A Book Review: With Open Hands by Henri J.M. Nouwen

Photo by: Untitled Blue

With Open Hands is a book by Henri Nouwen on prayer.  It is not quite like any other book I have read before.  It is a small book, but it is packed with such wonderfully crafted words of wisdom that it spoke to the deep places in my spirit.  Though the cover bears Nouwen’s name as the author, it was written from “many hours of intimate and prayerful conversation” with 25 theology students Nouwen invited to discuss their understanding of prayer.  Throughout the book are quotes from the meetings they had.  It was nice becuase it was very obvious throughout the book that it was a community effort and it would not have been as meaningful to me without them.

The book starts off with an introduction that is subtitled “With Clenched Fists.”  It’s a play on the title see, and it really spoke to me.  I don’t want to say more than that because I don’t want to ruin the way Nouwen presents it for anyone that would choose to read it.  It really challenged me.  But not in a “save the world” kind of way which is par for the course with me.  Rather in a somewhat subdued but deep seated upheaval of the way I view not just prayer, but God myself, and the people around me.

Other things I appreciated about this book are the fact that there was a lot of white space on the pages.  It gave me room to think somehow.  It’s amazing to me how our physical environments effect the way we respond to the world.  Sure, different people respond differently, and some probably tolerate things better than others, but I think it’s safe to say the physical space we live in effects us more than we know.  So for me, when I enter into a book, it becomes the physical space where I live.  The room on the pages made it easier to receive what was on the pages.  Each chapter also ends with a  “Question for Meditation.”  Sometimes these types of things can annoy me as they seem canned and shallow.  But I liked it in this book.

I think this is a book that anyone could benefit from and I highy recommend it.  I am actually going to read it again and for me that’s a big deal.  I hope you check it out the next time you are at a book store!

And I didn’t even die!

[Edited on 11/22/08 @2:26am – The preface for this post is that things were not what they seemed!  Please read the comments for the whole story!]

So as you can see by my last post, the Operations Christmas Child shoebox collection at my church went well.  Last night we transported all the boxes to a collection site in the area.  It was at a pretty large Baptist church in the area that shall remain nameless.  We arrived with three vehicles and a few women from the church came out to meet us.  They asked us about how many boxes and then one lady asked, “What church are you from?”  I responded and she said – no joke – “Oh!  I came and spoke there last year!  And I didn’t even die!”  My internal dialog went something like, “Did she really just say that?  She couldn’t have said that.  She really did just say that.”  Thankfully I was walking away from her already when she said it so I got to keep walking and didn’t really have to say anything in response but I did make an awkward laugh as I was trying to process what she had just said.  Apparently she thought God was going to strike her dead for speaking in church.  I wonder how she would have felt if she realized I was answering a call to ministry.

And so I am left baffled and yet understand completely the rhetoric that this woman ascribes to.  I am discouraged and yet encouraged at the same time.  Overall it really saddens me though.  It saddens me that there are so many folks who cram Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit in boxes they don’t belong in.  It saddens me that they cannot share communion with their fellow brothers and sisters.  And I don’t just mean bread an wine…I mean communion in it’s fullest sense of coming together as the body of Christ.  There are so many walls built up around fundamentalists.  *sigh*

Lord, hear my prayer.

I miss Goo

This evening I came over to my Aunt and Uncle’s house for dinner.  There are quite a few birthdays and an anniversary to celebrate and there are a bunch of folks in town for the Walk to Cure Diabetes.  My 8year old cousin T has diabetes so this is a time where the family rallies together to support him.  We had eaten dinner, had birthday cake, and opened gifts and folks were getting ready to go to a softball game when my little cousin Y came up to me with tears in her eyes and said, “I miss Goo.”  I honestly didn’t understand what she was saying because it came out of the blue but I picked her up and held her because it didn’t really matter if I understood.  She just needed to be held and loved on.  She is 6.  One of the cards her mother got had a golden lab on it and someone said something about how it looked like Goo.  Goo is the nickname given to my Uncles golden lab.  She was called Goo because that is how my cousins pronounced “girl” which my Uncle often called her.  Goo was a very good dog but she is gone.  She has actually been gone for a few years how though I don’t remember when exactly she died.  It was very sad for the whole family.  They had another dog and have recently gotten a puppy so life has moved on, but no one has forgotten Goo. 

It kinda blew me away that my little cousin was so sad about Goo.  Years after her death she still missed her dog and missed her deeply.  She was moved to tears.  But it also kinda blew me away that she came to me.  She brought her grief to me.  With everyone in that house, she brought her raw self to me.  It might seem kinda weird but this is very meaningful to me but it really is quite significant and very encouraging.  In realizing that when I was growing up I did not feel as though I had permission to have unpleasant feelings or share them, I have been very purposeful in my dealings with my cousins to try to interact with them in such a way that they feel free to feel.  I don’t want them to feel as though they have to stuff their emotions. 

The best example I have of this actually happened one night when I was baby sitting them.  It was getting late and so little Y was loosing her ability to cope.  She really should have been going to bed but was fighting it as kids often do.  She wanted another cup cake.  I said no.  She went for it anyway.  I took it from her.  She started to cry and was freaking out a bit and started saying the dreaded, “I want mommy” line.  I was loosing my patience.   But she was not acting like herself.  It was strange.  So I pulled myself together and got down on her level and said, “Y, you are not acting like yourself.  What is wrong?  Why are you upset?  Why are you sad?”  And she said three words I will never forget: “I don’t know.”  So I scooped her up, and we went and sat on the couch and I held her while she cried.  And I got to tell her that it was okay that she didn’t know why she was sad.  And it was okay that she was sad.  And I just held her.  It was an amazing moment really.

And so tonight, she came to me again.  Maybe she remembered that night.  I don’t know.  But it’s meaningful to me that she felt safe to share her pain.  The others around her tried to distract her from her grief.  It worked for a minute, but when the stopped and continued on with the adult things they were doing feeling like they had been successful in distracting her, she turned her head back to me and immediately started talking about how she missed Goo.  It was sad to see how everyone else in the family was so quick to mollify her without helping her understand what she was feeling and try to work through it.  But it was encouraging to be able to help her through a moment of grief.  I hope she remembers it.  Even if not explicitly, I hope she somehow remembers how she felt and how to express it.  I pray she won’t be forced to feel what everyone else expects her to feel.  I hope she remains free.  Lord hear my prayers.

Crickets, Ferries, and Prayers of the People

Just got back from my road trip to visit Ruth.  It was definitely a good trip.  It was my first blogger meet-up (and her’s too!) so I am glad we got to share that special “first.”  ; )  So just as I thought, Ruth is a super cool RevGal.  It was a short trip (I was there less than 24 hours) but here are my favorite moments:

• – A fabulous hamburger grilled by Ruth’s husband
• – Watching Ruth try to kill, but not squash a cricket (she succeeded!)
• – Good conversation
• – A trip across the river on a ferry pulled by a cable
• – Stepping into a pulpit for the first time to lead the Prayers of the People.

Ruth’s church is small in number but big in heart.  I really enjoyed the service and it was nice to see how other folks do things.  Thanks for having me, Ruth.  : )

Photo by: D.E.

Time stopped

**Disclaimer: This is a long post.**

Today was one of my long days.  It was a normal work day and it went pretty well.  I went to Home Depot and picked up some sink strainers.  Decided to get a cafe mocha on the way.  There were no snags or missteps really.  Some process roblems (i.e., my guys not letting me know we were running out of some things) but other than that, just a normal day.

On a high note, I met up with one of my professors who happens to also go to my church.  It’s a neat dynamic because I am more comfortable with him that I am with other random Professors.  Especially since most of my classes thus far have been online.  Anywho, I met up with him to discuss the possibility of Doctoral studies.  Since I am in semester two of seminary (and part time at that) this is definitely not something I need to decide upon any time soon, but I am starting to wonder if that is the path God is leading me down.  This strange feeling of excitement kept welling up within me.  I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face a couple of times.  He was talking about greek and hebrew, then german and french, theology and philosophy, biblical studies and church history…so much to learn!  So that was a cool meeting.

I had to call my pastor/mentor/friend ‘A’ about something later in the afternoon and I mentioned this meeting to her.  I said something along the lines of, “If there is one thing that is very evident to me it is that this is going to be a very long process.  A whole decade could pass before this is accomplished.”  I said it not because I was overwhelmed with that idea (though it is a bit overwhelming) but because long term plans are hard for me.  I prefer short fused tasks that I can complete quickly.  Some of this has to do with my personality for sure, but it’s definitely not just that.  Pastor ‘A’ is not a very confrontational person and it much more gentle and subtle with her feedback so her response to my statement above was monumental to me.  She said something along the lines of, “Yeah, that’s hard for someone who is impatient.”

Whoa.  Yeah…so she is right on.  And she didn’t say it meanly.  I think she knows me well enough now that she just felt okay with speaking her mind more freely. 

And so God is showing me (and has probably been trying to show me for a while now) that while my zeal has the potential to accomplish much for the kingdom, improperly placed and unrestrained it is impatience.  If I am honest with myself impatience is a big problem in my life.  I have gotten impatient about being impatient.  And so to Pastor A’s indictment, I plead guilty as charged.  And it’s really had me thinking all day…

So when work was over, I went to class early to meet with my group for a group project and then sat in class for three and a half hours.  Yikes that’s a long time.  We had a guest speaker…he was really good.  But while he was talking time stoped for a bit.  Yes, I have finally gotten to the subject line of this post.  The speaker, a man who has started quite a few successful ministries and churches and who now consults with established churches to identify leadership/organizational/etc. issues, said, “Think.  Pray.  Seek God.”  I have no idea the contex and it doesn’t matter.

Think.
         Pray.
                Seek God.

I definitely think.  I think a LOT.  Sometimes I can’t stop thinking.  But how often do I stop to pray?  How often does my thinking lead to praying and seeking God?  Truth is not a whole lot. 

I am not sure what was said after that, but the next thing I remember was when the speaker started talking about how often times when we ask for something we think we need, what we need is usually right in our hands…right in our house.  While I think his application was slightly different, I started thinking about that.  What is in my hands right now?  And so, I prayed.  Right there in class I completely disengaged from what was going on and I prayed.  I wrote it down.  Here ’tis:

Father?  I’m very impatient.  I admit it now.  No justification.  No “Yeah, but…” Just confession.  And I rely way too much on my own power to do things especially when you don’t answer quick enough for my liking.  I feel like I need to let go and not try to do anything other than what you have put in front of me.  Right now that’s work and school.  I’m sorry for being ungrateful for the insight you have given me and for slapping your face with the mentality of “that’s not enough.”  So I will try to bring those things to you now.  Father, I’d like a mentor who can help me navigate the road you have me on.  I think that someone who has traveled this same road would be most helpful but I am not sure I know what’s best in this.  I’d really like someone to be able to help me tie all this “stuff” I’m learning together.  Until then, I am going to try to focus on what you have in front of my now.  Specifically I think those things are:

• Spiritual Formation (AKA, my relationship with you)
• Systematic Theology 1 Class
• Christian Leadership Development Class
• Work

I think something shook me back into reality at this point…but I feel as though I have a renewed sense of focus.  I feel as though God is removing a layer of scales like in Lewis’ Narnia.  I pray that I would not forget this lesson so quickly as I am apt to do.  I pray that it would not be forgotten in the busyness of life and the sea of good intentions.  I pray that the sense of humility and peace I feel now would stay with me.  That I might love God and love others with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.