Posts Tagged ‘plans’

Confused: Too Many Possibilities

January 10, 2010

Photo by: Stefan Baudy

Lately I have been frustrated with the choices I have in front of me.  While I was comfortable coming into seminary not knowing what I would end up doing afterwards (since it is at least 3 years away), I have definitely been seeking clarity with respect to my call.  I have quite a few great opportunities with the programs the seminary offers, and it is all very exciting!  That is except when I start to plan what it will look like to follow that path and subsequently wonder if it is the path I will walk or not.  For instance, there is a great joint degree program that Princeton Seminary offers that would allow me to earn a Master’s in Social Work with only one additional year of schooling.  As this is something I have felt drawn towards in the past, it started to seem as though that was something I was called to do.  As this would require me to be much more judicious with the courses I take, I came up with a fabulous spread sheet to keep track of the credit requirements for the M-Div and leave room for classes that would count towards the MSW.  But now I am doubting that.  I am taking a class about teaching in the church and it is becoming very evident to me that I am passionate about helping people learn.  But what am I supposed to do with that?  I have thought that maybe I could see if they would let me shift to a dual degree so I could get an Master’s degree in Christian Education and the M.Div. but I can’t very well do that and the MSW program.  I’m not trying to make plans of my own without regard for what God is calling me to do but maybe that’s what’s happening.  I am trying to discern what God is calling me to do which to me means stepping out in faith and being willing to be wrong.  I wonder if that’s part of the problem then?  Maybe I am not really willing to be wrong.  Maybe I just want to pick something and have it magically be part of what God is calling me to do.  I guess I will try to hold the possibility that I am wrong and the hope that I have discerned rightly together for as long as possible and wait for God to redirect my plans.  If only that we as easy to do as it is to say.

On a positive note, I am scheduled to meet with my session via Skype on Tuesday to start the process of becoming a Candidate for ministry of Word and Sacrament.  My meeting with CPM (the ordination committee for PC(USA)) is scheduled for Jan 19th though I will not be going to the Presbytery meeting until April.  I am okay with that though because it means everyone will be able to be there.

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Plans

March 26, 2009

Many are the plans in a motal’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. [proverbs 19.21]

Tonight I got angry. All was going well and I was about 5 minutes away from walking out the door to catch my flight to Philly so I could Princeton Theological Seminary where I will attend in Fall (maybe Summer too). And then I got a phone call from an automated woman-computer-voice. This woman-computer-voice was calling to give me the news that my flight was cancelled. And in about .05 seconds I went from focused and intent to down right angry. I am actually somewhat suprised at how mad I got. I have seen myself get annoyed and frustrated even, but not usually angry. I am not exactly sure what the story is with my anger, but I think it has something to do with looking fowrad to my carefully laid plans and being angry at God that they fell through. I don’t think that God is punishing me (that’s rather vindictive really) and I don’t think he is trying to prove a point (kinda manipulative don’t cha think?) but I do think that this situation is helping me see myself a bit more clearly and it’s not a pretty picture. So yeah, I was looking forward to the trip (and still am). And yes, it’s okay for me to be excited about the trip. But basically what happened is when it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I threw a temper tantrum. You know, those things todlers and preschool kids do? Riiiiight. Adults have them to…we just cloak them in psycho babble and tell people we had to “vent” or “get it out.” The truth of it is that 1) I did not like it that I was no longer in control of the situation and 2) for some reason I did not trust God enough to be up front about my sadness. I resorted to anger because it made me feel as though I had control again. Or something like that. Control is an illusion anyway but that’s an entirely different blog post.

I am babbling a bit but this all makes me think about the dinner I just had with one of my closest friends. Her little girl is 4 years old and is a beautiful, loving child. She has also become quite willful lately. Though I don’t have any children of my own, being an outside is sometimes helpful in these situations so at one point tonight I said, “It’s not easy growing up…figuring out who you are and how things work.” And now I find myself in that sentence. It’s not easy growing up in Christ. But then again, no one said it would be. In fact, “take up your cross and follow me” sounds like the antithesis of easy. But none the less, it is still hard. That whole “the road less traveled” kind of thing.

So I guess all that to say that I am thankful that God is patient with me. I am thankful that God loves me even as I am “acting out” and I am thankful that though I have many plans, the Lord’s purpose prevails. For right now that will be enough.

Here’s hoping it works out for me to go get to Princeton tomorrow in enough time to sit in on a class, visit Admissions and Financial Aid, and maybe even attend chapel. We will see….we will see…

When it Falls Through

March 3, 2009

I like to plan things.  I feel most secure in a well laid out plan.  It takes away the guess work and ensures I know what to expect.  This is comforting to me.  It’s also boring.  In the past couple of years I have been able to step away from “having” to plan.  I have become more comfortable with going with the flow and just letting things happen.  I have even begun to enjoy it.  But one thing I am not sure how to respond to anymore is when plans fall through.

In the past, if a plan fell through I would just make it happen some other way (it being the objective, whatever it is).  This can be good.  My bosses have definitely seemed to appreciate it.  It means I get stuff done!  But lately when a plan is in the works (specifically a personal plan) and then utterly falls apart, I feel as though I am at a complete loss for what to do.  I can either plan around the thing that fell through or I can just let it be.  But now when I plan around something that fell through I feel as though I am being a little ‘g’ god and making something happen that maybe wasn’t meant to be.  But letting go of the objective is not an easy option for me either.  Especially when it isn’t something I have to do but rather something I want to do.

So what to do?    Please leave copious wise comments on this post to help me figure it out.  Especially you Ten-weed.  Your recent days of silence on my blog are over! Bwahahahahaha!