Many are the plans in a motal’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. [proverbs 19.21]
Tonight I got angry. All was going well and I was about 5 minutes away from walking out the door to catch my flight to Philly so I could Princeton Theological Seminary where I will attend in Fall (maybe Summer too). And then I got a phone call from an automated woman-computer-voice. This woman-computer-voice was calling to give me the news that my flight was cancelled. And in about .05 seconds I went from focused and intent to down right angry. I am actually somewhat suprised at how mad I got. I have seen myself get annoyed and frustrated even, but not usually angry. I am not exactly sure what the story is with my anger, but I think it has something to do with looking fowrad to my carefully laid plans and being angry at God that they fell through. I don’t think that God is punishing me (that’s rather vindictive really) and I don’t think he is trying to prove a point (kinda manipulative don’t cha think?) but I do think that this situation is helping me see myself a bit more clearly and it’s not a pretty picture. So yeah, I was looking forward to the trip (and still am). And yes, it’s okay for me to be excited about the trip. But basically what happened is when it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I threw a temper tantrum. You know, those things todlers and preschool kids do? Riiiiight. Adults have them to…we just cloak them in psycho babble and tell people we had to “vent” or “get it out.” The truth of it is that 1) I did not like it that I was no longer in control of the situation and 2) for some reason I did not trust God enough to be up front about my sadness. I resorted to anger because it made me feel as though I had control again. Or something like that. Control is an illusion anyway but that’s an entirely different blog post.
I am babbling a bit but this all makes me think about the dinner I just had with one of my closest friends. Her little girl is 4 years old and is a beautiful, loving child. She has also become quite willful lately. Though I don’t have any children of my own, being an outside is sometimes helpful in these situations so at one point tonight I said, “It’s not easy growing up…figuring out who you are and how things work.” And now I find myself in that sentence. It’s not easy growing up in Christ. But then again, no one said it would be. In fact, “take up your cross and follow me” sounds like the antithesis of easy. But none the less, it is still hard. That whole “the road less traveled” kind of thing.
So I guess all that to say that I am thankful that God is patient with me. I am thankful that God loves me even as I am “acting out” and I am thankful that though I have many plans, the Lord’s purpose prevails. For right now that will be enough.
Here’s hoping it works out for me to go get to Princeton tomorrow in enough time to sit in on a class, visit Admissions and Financial Aid, and maybe even attend chapel. We will see….we will see…