Archive for the ‘feelings’ Category

Riddled

December 16, 2009

Riddled: a poem

i am riddled
riddled by self doubt
my insecurities often
get the best of me
even when i
seek
to leave them
behind behind
this face of mine
is an entanglement
of complexities
that often
reveal
themselves as
liabilities rather than
capabilities
hear me

How Long?

November 24, 2009

A Psalm of Lament for that which has not yet come and may never be

How long, O Lord, will you let me suffer?
How long will you let my waking and
my  sleeping be plagued by doubt?
Will you not come to the aid of Your child?
Will you not speak words of comfort to me
as my doubt and despair consume me?
Why are you so far from me when I am
so desperately in need of your healing presence?
Will you quell the storm within my soul?
Will you heal my soul or shall I die?
Shall I die inside as my desires are swept away?
Is there hope of something new?
Is there hope in You, O my God?
In You I have placed my trust,
O Lord, under your wings  I will rest.
For You, O Lord, will redeem what is lost
And bring forth life in places it has never been.
Selah.

δοũλος

July 15, 2009

Summer Greek started this past Monday and is in full swing with 3 hours of class each morning, a quiz every day, and an exam every Friday (except this one).  Learning the parts has not been too difficult but trying to put it all together is a definite challenge.  One of the words I have learned thus far is δοũλος.  δοũλος is the Greek word for ‘slave’ or ‘servant’ in Biblical Greek.  A (rough) transliteration is ‘due-lohs.’  The word itself is not too terribly significant, but it stands out to me because of something my professor said on the second day of class.  I had a couple questions to ask and when I approached the prof about to ask about them he said he absolutely had time for questions and then he said these words: “I am your servant.”  I have never heard these words uttered before in this way.  There have been meaningful variations such as “I am here to serve” but the emphasis is still on the person saying the words.  “I am your servant” is downright intense.  And downright humbling when it is said by a person who is in a position of authority.  Many have used the term “servant leadership” but that term doesn’t seem to cut it.  I am thankful for such a wonderful example of servanthood as well as the fact that my prof took the time to answer my questions about class thus far.  Anyway, regardless of how this hits anyone else, a sizeable shift took place within me at that moment. 

I press on that I might live to serve.

Plans

March 26, 2009

Many are the plans in a motal’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. [proverbs 19.21]

Tonight I got angry. All was going well and I was about 5 minutes away from walking out the door to catch my flight to Philly so I could Princeton Theological Seminary where I will attend in Fall (maybe Summer too). And then I got a phone call from an automated woman-computer-voice. This woman-computer-voice was calling to give me the news that my flight was cancelled. And in about .05 seconds I went from focused and intent to down right angry. I am actually somewhat suprised at how mad I got. I have seen myself get annoyed and frustrated even, but not usually angry. I am not exactly sure what the story is with my anger, but I think it has something to do with looking fowrad to my carefully laid plans and being angry at God that they fell through. I don’t think that God is punishing me (that’s rather vindictive really) and I don’t think he is trying to prove a point (kinda manipulative don’t cha think?) but I do think that this situation is helping me see myself a bit more clearly and it’s not a pretty picture. So yeah, I was looking forward to the trip (and still am). And yes, it’s okay for me to be excited about the trip. But basically what happened is when it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I threw a temper tantrum. You know, those things todlers and preschool kids do? Riiiiight. Adults have them to…we just cloak them in psycho babble and tell people we had to “vent” or “get it out.” The truth of it is that 1) I did not like it that I was no longer in control of the situation and 2) for some reason I did not trust God enough to be up front about my sadness. I resorted to anger because it made me feel as though I had control again. Or something like that. Control is an illusion anyway but that’s an entirely different blog post.

I am babbling a bit but this all makes me think about the dinner I just had with one of my closest friends. Her little girl is 4 years old and is a beautiful, loving child. She has also become quite willful lately. Though I don’t have any children of my own, being an outside is sometimes helpful in these situations so at one point tonight I said, “It’s not easy growing up…figuring out who you are and how things work.” And now I find myself in that sentence. It’s not easy growing up in Christ. But then again, no one said it would be. In fact, “take up your cross and follow me” sounds like the antithesis of easy. But none the less, it is still hard. That whole “the road less traveled” kind of thing.

So I guess all that to say that I am thankful that God is patient with me. I am thankful that God loves me even as I am “acting out” and I am thankful that though I have many plans, the Lord’s purpose prevails. For right now that will be enough.

Here’s hoping it works out for me to go get to Princeton tomorrow in enough time to sit in on a class, visit Admissions and Financial Aid, and maybe even attend chapel. We will see….we will see…

Anne Lamott

November 30, 2008

Anne LamottI have now read three books by Anne Lamott.  I must say that I really like her a lot.  Reading Anne gives my soul room to breathe.  I have been ruminating on why I like reading her and the best thing I can come up with is that she doesn’t hide things.  She doesn’t hide the things that suck.  She doesn’t hide her failures or her idiosyncrecies.  She doesn’t hide her inconsistancies or her impure motives.  She is out there with just about everything.  But to say she doesn’t hide things does not mean the oppsite is true; it does not mean she flaunts th pridefully; it does not mean she doesn’t give a damn.  Anne is just much more comfortable with, or at least stopped trying to control, the fact that she is a human.  She does not seem to be drunk with the illusion of perfection.  This is very refreshing and I feel as though I have been able to take slow deep breaths not just with my lungs, but inwardly.  That’s a nice feeling.