Archive for August, 2008

Letting go

August 31, 2008

I think I am going through my teens late.  I feel as though I am just now discovering who I really am.  It is as if I have forced myself in a box too small.  I think I’m finally seeing myself as I was meant to be and simultaneously letting go of who I forced myself to be.  It has taken a good deal of courage to let go of what I have and in reality, it probably isn’t very much.  But I am not trying to down play it…it is what it is.  I ask myself, “Self, why do you run from who you are?”  It reminds me of Nelson Mandella’s speech where he said

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Speech given by Nelson Mandela, text by Marianne Williamson

I think the woman who wrote this was really on to something.  Now that I have come to realize that life is a journey and salvation a life long process I feel more at ease with the world and myself.  And it’s neat because the more I get to know the real me, the more I like myself which is significant indeed.  I have taken a lot of the pressure of myself and let my guard down a bit more.  I took a cultural diversity class last summer and one of the things that really stuck out to me was the idea that we give our daughters roots and our sons wings.  I have wanted to fly my whole life and there have been so many bogus things that have kept me grounded.  I am starting to feel like I can fly.  There is so much out there in the world.  So many people to meet, so many places to go, so many foods to taste and things to see, so many songs to listen to and play, dances to learn, people to love, faces to kiss…the world is scary and terrible but beautiful and wonderful.  It is a paradox.

Oh yeah….and I found out I like The Goo Goo Dolls.

Photo by: paveitapics



August 29, 2008

I have a dream in my mind for the next year of my life.  Here is what it would look like:

 – I hope to leave my current job by May of next year.  I have thought of maybe leaving in December and getting a temporary job and that is still a possibility.  I am trying to discern what would be best…both for me and for where I work.  I don’t want to leave them in a bad situation.

 – I hope to spend at least 1 month in Israel.  I’d love to spend more time if possible…it all depends on how this all pans out…or if it does.

 – I hope to start seminary full time at a location to be determined in Fall 09.

It will be neat to see how this plan takes shape…if it does at all.  I have hope that these pieces will come together somehow though I have no promise of that.  I just looked up air fare to Tel Aviv and it’s about $2,000 round trip.  And I just e-mailed a distant relative that lives in Jerusalem to find out about hostels, etc. that they would recommend.  Who knows….maybe I will be able to stay with her and her family even if only for part of the time.

It’s like a dream…how wonderful it would be if it became reality.

Photo by: hoyasmeg

10 Years

August 28, 2008

We will be celebrating 10 years of ministry (at our church) for my Pastor ‘A’ soon.  Anyone have any ideas for a gift of appreciation?  I am looking for something neat but not expensive, something ministry related but not, something unique but not ridiculous.  Any ideas?

Presbymeme II

August 27, 2008

My friend Ruth, who blogs at Work-in-Progress, tagged me for this meme which was started by Bruce Reyes-Chow, the very distinguished moderator of the PCUSA.

The Rules

•In about 25 words each, answer the following five questions.

•Tag five presbyterian bloggers and send them a note to let them know they were tagged.

•Be sure to link to this original post.

•Leave a comment or send a trackback to this post so others can find you.

1) What is your favorite faith-based hymn, song or chorus?

There are so many…and my faith has change so much recently…some of my favorites aren’t as rousing as once before…how about Better is One Day and Give Me One Pure and Holy Passion.  They are pretty awesome.

2) What was the context, content and/or topic of the last sermon that truly touched, convicted, inspired, challenged, comforted and/or otherwise moved you?

I think God has to work harder at keeping me still than “moving” me.  Hah.  There was a sermon my pastor ‘R’ preached not too long ago that got me pretty excited about ministry.  It was kinda frustrating though because, like I said, God is trying to keep me still I think.  It’s not my time yet.

3) If you could have all Presbyterians read just one of your previous posts, what would it be and why?

The Story of the Pinkhammer.  Why?  Because it’s a story of what God has done in my life.  It’s about me, but it has much less to do with me and much more to do with God.  Plus then you’ll understand the name of my blog.  : )

4) What are three PC(USA) flavored blogs you read on a regular basis?

I have been awful about reading anyone’s blog regularly lately but here are my three:

1. Work-in-Progress: I enjoy reading all about Ruth’s wonderful church and life!  She has spoken much wisdom into my life.

2. Seeking to Build a Bridge: Life is interesting and exciting in Sarah’s life.  I have gained a great amount of perspective about ministry from her.  She’s neat.  : )

3.  Mimimimimi: EJ is a super encouaging person and I enjoy her posts.

5) If the PC(USA) were a movie, what would it be and why?

For me?  The Matrix.  I had been assimilated to a very narrow way of viewing God and the world.  I heard the words “God alone is Lord of the concious” and chose the red pill.  I have been waiting for my hovercraft but I think the anaology might stop there…


Since I have been bad with keeping up with blogs lately, I am not sure who all has already done this so if you have already done it disregard this tag!

Seeking to Build a Bridge


Knitting Preacher

That’s all I can muster up at this point.  Enjoy!

Created to serve

August 24, 2008

I had lunch with my pastor/mentor/friend ‘A’ today.  It was nice to catch up!  We had not met for quite some time (maybe two months) and while I have given her snippets here and there between my time out of town as well as hers, there was much to say!  So far in life, my greatest years were the four years I spent at the University of Florida working on my English degree.  But it wasn’t the degree that made it great, and while the community was awesome and surely contributed a TON to the fact that I can say they were the best four years of my life, I have come to realize it is much more than that.  I have come to realize that the reason I loved college so much is because I was very involved in the church.  My ministry involvement was wide.  Small group leading, home group co-leading, music ministry, president of the “club” aspect of the church I went to (so we could use campus facilities, etc.), women’s Bible study, newsletter editor….yeah…I was super involved.  And for the most part I loved it.  When I realized I had boundary issues, I started to think that all my involvement was over involvement and due to my inability to say no.  While there is some truth to this, it’s also because I love service in ministry.  I am fulfilled by it.  It is life giving for me.  It’s neat to have just another way that God has put some more flesh on who I was made to be.  I am able to see more clearly that God is calling me to serve.  Up until this point, the focus has been on the calling and on the ministry.  Cognitively the service was wrapped up in all of this, but like I said, now it has a bit more flesh.  Kinda like how the mummy comes alive and becomes more and more whole in The Mummy Returns.