Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’


January 15, 2009
fly again

Photo by: fly again

No, this is not a post about baby goats.  It is a post of how amazed I am at how many of my friends have children.  I have come to realize this via Facebook.  Otherwise I really wouldn’t have a clue.  Literally every day I see that one of my friends has posted photos of their kids.  There are a few friends who have multiple children.  There were a couple times I was talking on the phone with a friend who has three children under the age of 5 and thatwas some amazing birth control.  (Just to be clear, that’s a joke.  Get it?  Ha ha?)  On a serious note, all the way through college, I wanted to get married and have children so much it hurt.  (Only a mild exaggeration.)  While it wasn’t all I wanted, I had hopes of leaving college with a BA and an MRS. degree.  (Hah!  Another joke!)  Well, that didn’t happen.  What’s neat is that while I still desire to get married and would like to have kids one day (and/or adopt) it is not something I pine away for.  Some of my times of loneliness have been intense, but all in all, I am kinda glad that I don’t have children.  My mom had me when she was 21 (a week shy of 22) and when I think about how if I had done the same I would have a 7 year old right now it makes me think, “That would be crazy!”  Yes, if that had happened, I wouldn’t be saying the same thing but don’t ruin my point!  One thing I can say, I feel more equipped to have children now than I did 7 years ago.  And I have a feeling I will feel more equipped a few years from now.  So while God is the only one who knows what the future holds, I think I am finally content with waiting for that time of life.  And that, my friends, is no small miracle.



November 1, 2008

It’s been a while hasn’t it.  For some reason I have not been up for blogging lately.  I started back to work after a week and a half of being out after the toe surgery.  It was a dreadful day.  In the time I was off I truly felt a peace with the world.  I was reading and writing.  I was interacting with people about reading and writing.  I wrote my first sermon.  I prepared to lead my very first worship service.  It was wonderful.  I thought to myself, “This is what it means to be me.”  And then I couldn’t be me anymore.  I had to go back to my 8-5, task oriented, non-creative job. And my soul was in shock and rebellion from this.  That and my toe hurt after being up on it most of the day. 

Friday was a bit better.  And then the weekend was awesome.  I got to preach for the first time.  I am planning on blogging about that more specifically later, but suffice to say it was an awesome experience.

And then I went to my 8-5, task oriented, non-creative job.  But I was a bit more content because God confirmed some things for me when I preached.  But again, more on that later.

There have been other things going on in life lately.  For one I have been very tired.  This is probably partially due to the surgery but I think it is mostly due to the weather.  The short days are really messing with me.  I am also the lead person for Operation Christmas Child at my church his year.  Fun stuff.  I love OCC.  And this week and next I am facilitating my Sunday morning Bible study.  I like all the stuff but it leaves me feeling lonely.  I feel as though I have community but then I feel as though I don’t.  Things like Facebook and Twitter are nice, but I feel as though they provide only the illusion of community instead of the reality.  I feel linked up to many, but connected to so few.  That said, I have two friends now that I can have over and still stay in my PJs.  How cool is that?  I love it.

It is sad to me that  have gotten more calls from political telemarketers than anyone else.  Truth be known, more than everyone else combined.  I took a nap after work today to avoid throwing myself a pity party, but it is hard.  Then one of my PJ friendscameover and that was nice because I didn’t have to entertain.  I just got to be me with someone else in the room.  It was really nice.  And she made me cheesy rice and brought me chocolate.

I also got information on two schools in Jerusalem that I am going to look into in hopes of going there this summer.  Another friend of mine threw out the dea of a kibbutz so I am going to look into that as well.

I found out I will get to go to my Aunt and Uncle’s for Thanksgiving which is good.  My mom’s b-day is the day before so it will be good to see her for sure.

I am finally getting organized at work.  After a year of trying to figure everything out without having a lot to go on, I am finally organizing it all.  It’ quite amazing really.  I have a new boss now and he is pretty awesome and has made work much less stressful.  I am thankful for that.  I only hope that his ledership is a gift from God to help me stay in this place as long as I am supposed to.  But I am really wondering how long that is going to be.  Maybe it’s much shorter than I think.  Who knows.

Been thinking a lot lately about LGBT “issues” to include ordination of LGBT people.  I am reading a book called “A Time to Embrace” by William Stacy Johnson.  I also want to read Jack Rogers’ “Jesus, The Bible, And Homosexuality” and maybe “The Children are Free” by Rev. Jeff Miner and John Tyler (I think).  It seems to me that since i am seeking ordination in PC(USA) I should seek to understand both sides of the issues which for me means learning much more about those who support ordination of LGBT people since my faith journey was predominantly fundamental until about a year and a half ago.

I have had a few folks send me messages on Facebook to ask me what I am up to lately.  When I reply “working on my M-div” I seem to be getting silence.  It irks me that fundies think if they don’t agree with something ignoring it will be helpful.  Maybe I’m reading too much into it.  Or maybe they are rallying the troops to attack from all sides.  Maybe the are all praying for me in hopes that I will repent of my wickedness and turn from my wicked ways.  If they are, I both appreciate it and am annoyed by it.  *shrug*

In other news, I voted via absentee ballot the other day.  Decided to do that due to the toe surgery.  I am now officially an Obama Mama as Carol put it.  : )

Well, I guess that’s all for now.  Lots of ramblings, but hey…it’s something.


March 21, 2008

I wonder if living alone is healthy.  I have only lived alone for about 7 months now and in many ways I love, love, love it, but I just am not sure it’s healthy.  I like living alone because I don’t have to put up with someone else’s noise or strange habits and I like living alone because in those moments where I really don’t want to interact with anyone I don’t feel like I should because I come home and a roomie is there.  But pretty much all the other times I wish I had a roomie…or let’s  be honest, a husband.  I wish I had a partner in crime when it was time for dinner.  Cooking for one sucks no matter how many neat little cookbooks they come out with that say it’s easy.  And eating in silence is complete undesireable (except maybe in the mornings).  And I’m a thinker and a talker which means I am able to put ideas together best when I speak them.  Writing works sometimes, but usually only when my ideas have been birthed and just need refinement.  Well, I can talk to the walls, but they don’t talk back.  And I like to speak into people’s lives.  It brings me great joy and it spurs me on in this journey called life.  Sometimes I feel as though the lack of people in my life is a prison which I cannot excape.  And after writing this post I feel like I should be laying on some couch in the office of some psychoanalyst. 

It’s 8:45 on the morning of Good Friday.  I have the day off…I need to get going…I have a ton of work to do for seminary.  But I am getting stuck on the fact that I am alone.  For anyone who reads this, have you any thoughts about how to make peace with loneliness?