Lately I have been avoiding time alone with God. I don’t think I have, or could have, a full understanding of the dynamics of the “why” but I have a few clues.
1) I don’t think I really know how to just “be” with God. I feel like there is always some challenge, some thing to work on, some character flaw to own up to. I only barely know how to “be” with people and they are physical beings. Somehow that makes it easier even though it is still amazingly hard for me.
2) I must admit that I don’t fully trust God. This is related to number 1. I don’t trust God because I feel as though when I do I am headed for a huge meltdown because I take on too much. Case in point, the spring semester. I feel the call, I answer the call by starting my M-Div, I get burnt out because I am answering the call by taking classes for my M-Div while working full time and then subsequently beat myself about the head for not being able to hack it and sign up for two more classes in the Summer. If you want to see how that went read this post.
In reality this has very little to do with God and much more to do with me (especially number 2) and my perception of God. I still perceive God as a task master of sorts even though I know it’s not true. I still perceive my worth based on what I do and not who I am.
So I didn’t take classes this semester. It was nice. And yet it is a bummer that I couldn’t take classses. That I felt like God didn’t want me to take classes. It’ very confusing. I don’t feel like I am supposed to take classes this Spring either. I thought maybe I would take just one but looking at the list made me feel awful. Which brings me back to God. I don’t understand what God is doing. I try to think of him as my bridegroom but instead I think of him as more of a parent. And yes, God is described using language of both of these human relationships, but I am not married and have never been in a long term committed relationships so I think maybe I default to the “parent” mentality. You know, the God who makes you do things even though you don’t want to and doesn’t explain things to you when you ask “why” other than to say “Because I told you to.” Even if God responds a bit more on the “nice” side and says “because i have asked you to,” it’s still the same progression.
I want to snuggle up to God as a lamb who knows the Lion could eat it but won’t because the Lion is powerful but good. I want to feel safe in God’s presence. I want to feel loved in God’s presence. I want to feel as though I am God’s beloved. I want to be myself and stop trying to be everything else. God…where are you? I am afraid of life. I am afraid of living. I am afraid of lonliness. Please come save me from myself.