Alone with God

Lately I have been avoiding time alone with God.  I don’t think I have, or could have, a full understanding of the dynamics of the “why” but I have a few clues.

1) I don’t think I really know how to just “be” with God.  I feel like there is always some challenge, some thing to work on, some character flaw to own up to.  I only barely know how to “be” with people and they are physical beings.  Somehow that makes it easier even though it is still amazingly hard for me. 

2) I must admit that I don’t fully trust God.  This is related to number 1.  I don’t trust God because I feel as though when I do I am headed for a huge meltdown because I take on too much.  Case in point, the spring semester.  I feel the call, I answer the call by starting my M-Div, I get burnt out because I am answering the call by taking classes for my M-Div while working full time and then subsequently beat myself about the head for not being able to hack it and sign up for two more classes in the Summer.  If you want to see how that went read this post.

In reality this has very little to do with God and much more to do with me (especially number 2) and my perception of God.  I still perceive God as a task master of sorts even though I know it’s not true.  I still perceive my worth based on what I do and not who I am.

So I didn’t take classes this semester.  It was nice.  And yet it is a bummer that I couldn’t take classses.  That I felt like God didn’t want me to take classes.  It’ very confusing.  I don’t feel like I am supposed to take classes this Spring either.  I thought maybe I would take just one but looking at the list made me feel awful.  Which brings me back to God.  I don’t understand what God is doing.  I try to think of him as my bridegroom but instead I think of him as more of a parent.  And yes, God is described using language of both of these human relationships, but I am not married and have never been in a long term committed relationships so I think maybe I default to the “parent” mentality.  You know, the God who makes you do things even though you don’t want to and doesn’t explain things to you when you ask “why” other than to say “Because I told you to.”  Even if God responds a bit more on the “nice” side and says “because i have asked you to,” it’s still the same progression. 

I want to snuggle up to God as a lamb who knows the Lion could eat it but won’t because the Lion is powerful but good.  I want to feel safe in God’s presence.  I want to feel loved in God’s presence.  I want to feel as though I am God’s beloved.  I want to be myself and stop trying to be everything else.  God…where are you?  I am afraid of life.  I am afraid of living.  I am afraid of lonliness.  Please come save me from myself.

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6 Responses to “Alone with God”

  1. fishclamor Says:

    i’m so sorry you feel afraid. i wish i could make it better, but i know that i can’t. but i love you very much, and maybe that could help just a tiny little ittybitty bit?

    and little fish loves you too. that matters way more. maybe that will help a lot more. the way little children love you…they love you for yourself because they are so little they can see who you really are, still. maybe you are supposed to be loved by children and grown-ups too and as scary as that is, you would be a lamb cuddling up with the lion, like, say, my child…funny. maybe true. maybe not. i don’t know.

    we just love you and we will pray for you tonight and i will today.

    love, > <><

  2. Ruth Says:

    This too shall pass. You are beloved by God, even when you don’t feel it. To me, this is the “parent” part. I’m sure my kids don’t really understand how much I love them. I understand the “parent God” thing better since I am a parent, very imperfectly, but at least I know what’s in my heart for my kids. You have to multiply that for God, right? Go have a happy thanksgiving and do nice things for other people as much as you can, and maybe find somebody safe to snuggle up with, really. OK, sorry about the advice! This too shall pass.

  3. pinkhammer Says:

    Thanks for all the love you and little fish send my way, FC. You two bless me every time I hang out with you.

    And thanks for the encouragement and advice, Ruth. I don’t mind advice from you. I appreciate your perspective. I wonder if having it “pass” is a good thing though…I am afraid it will just come back again. : /

  4. fishclamor Says:

    i have heard that the closer you get to god the more difficult it is to find god. hence the dark nights of the soul and all that. anybody else ever hear that? and i noticed it, too, years ago, before it all went away, you know, the way it goes when you don’t pay attention or when you pay too much attention. this is incoherent. well, that’s the way it is, yeah?

  5. Pastor Puck Says:

    fc, yep, i’ve heard it. dietrich bonhoffer. awesome stuff.

  6. fishclamor Says:

    pastor puck! how lovely to hear from you! can you stop back by at the show? we got some questions for you! we are not convinced about your solution to the problem of evil, but carlene will probably mention that over at SYA!

    whose blog is this? oh yeah, sorry pink. so what about that bonhoffer stuff? what do you think of it? could that be what’s got you so inafunk? well, lots of people are thinking of you and sending you love, and i’m sure we all hope it helps.

    stop by sya, PP! bye pink love fc

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