Right now I feel confused on two fronts:

1) My body.  I get tired so easily.  Did the surgery really take that much out of me?  Is my body really using that much energy to heal itself?

2) Relationships.  They are so unbelieveably complex.  It’s very overwhelming.  I feel as though I am navigating a mine field when I interact with people.  *sigh*  I am tired of living life alone.  Everything is so fragmented and autonomous. 

I am blogging about this because I am sitting at home on my couch and wanting to be anywhere but sitting at home on my couch.  Anywhere that is with people who help me become a part of their life.  See, that doesn’t come easily for me.  I need help.  It’s not that I don’t want to take people up on their offers to enter their lives, but I don’t do well with generic “come over any time” invitations.  I’m a “J” people.  I like definition, structure, specifics.  I like to help people with things.  Like painting a room for instance.

I am tempted to give up.  Should I take a nap or go back to church for round two?  Round two of trying to be available for people and trying to become a part of something bigger than myself.  Round two of leaving the way I came: alone.  Round two of overwhelming sadness.


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2 Responses to “Confused”

  1. fishclamor Says:

    1) yeah, surgery does really take a lot out of you. the anashthesia takes a long time to get out of your system, plus your unconcious brain knows you are desperately wounded. it doesn’t know that that wound will get well unless it knocks you on your ass so your body can concentrate on healing.

    2) i’m sorry my house is so unhospitable on the weekends. i want you to come over. can you come over tomorrow? i will come to fetch you! or we will be happy to descend on you!

    we love you. we are sorry you feel lonely. we want to hang out with you!

  2. pinkhammer Says:

    Hello FC : ) Thank you for the comment and the love! I didn’t get this until now (it’s 11:30pm!) so that is why I didn’t call. I will give you a call in the morning about possibly getting together. I need to work on my sermon…so I may have to ask for a rain check. Shoot me an e-mail or call if you don’t hear from me. : )

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