there is a deep unrest within me that i cannot name. i cannot quite put my finger on it. it is a deep discontentedness. have you ever heard someone scream into a pillow? it’s like that.
i feel as though i am trapped. and the bars of my cage are firmly in place because of the decisions i have made. i want to have the security this kind of car will provide. i will never have to worry about it breaking down. i want to have these things in my life so i will work this job that pays this much to ensure i can buy these types of things. i want to have my own everything so i don’t need anyone else.
i have had some pretty crazy thoughts lately.
- – sell most of what i own (i.e., keep only what i need and some memories) and go to israel for a while before i start seminary
- – join the simple way
- – become a conscientious objector (i’m still technically in the individual ready reserve)
it’s as if Jesus is saying, “Follow me.” and i want to leave everything and follow Him but i don’t know how.