Humanity

Once again I have come face to face with my own humanity.  Despite popular belief, I cannot conquer the world.  And when I mean popular belief, I mean the belief of those who I have unwittingly duped into believing that I was capable of anything.  I’m not sure when it started…my obsession with perfection and “success.”  It was early on for sure…ingrained somehow from a very early age.  Maybe it’s because I am an only child.  Maybe in an indirect way my parents were much more demanding of me than I realized.  Maybe it’s because my successes were the only way I got attention.  Whatever the case may be, as I said in an earlier post, the walls are coming down.  I have a paper due on Monday.  It will be the first assignment that I have not turned in on time potentially in all of my schooling thus far.  Why?  I can’t.  I just can’t do it.  And it’s odd the sense of peace those words have now that I have said them.  I can’t work a 10 hour day and then come home and think about inclusivism and anonymous Christianity and all it’s associated rabbit holes.  I can’t go on a trip to my mom’s house and help put on a party to celebrate their wedding all the while playing with my new step-sister’s 2 year old and try to read theology.  And I can’t force myself to write a paper on a subject I can’t even seem to think about.  It is strange to me that feeling I am overwhelmed with life right now being that in the past I feel as though I have sholdered burdens much heavier than this.  But these burdens are different for sure.  Emotions are much heavier for me to bear compated to anything I have had to bear thus far.  So I will hope that my request for an “Incomplete” will be granted.  And I will take the next semester off (other than finishing the Incomplete class).  I’m not good at self care but it seems God is forcing my hand.  And I’m glad for that.  I want to ride my bike and read for fun and not feel as though every moment of my life is dictated by “should.”  I want to scrapbook and catch up on other things.  I want to contemplate the meaning of life and the question of pacifism.  I want to hang out with my friends.  I want a taste of what I missed as a kid and wouldn’t allow myself the whole rest of my life: what it’s like to be carefree…even if that’s only a few hours a day.  I hope this is part of God’s plan.  Or, at the ery least, I hope God will turn it for my good.  And I hope this won’t ruin my chances to go to seminary full time.  And yet the fact that I am using the words “I hope” is….hopefull.

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4 Responses to “Humanity”

  1. EJ Says:

    Rest Well.

  2. sarahbuildsbridges Says:

    good. for. you. i had to learn this lesson while i was in seminary too. i was supposed to write a book one summer… and just didn’t. and the sky didn’t collapse and i realized that i what i needed to do what NOT write a book.

    take good care, pinkhammer. all shall be well. trust the hope.

  3. pinkhammer Says:

    Thank you, Emily and Sarah. It is a hard lesson to learn but I do feel a great deal of peace. I appreciate the encouragement.

  4. Alone with God « The Pinkhammer Says:

    […] 2) I must admit that I don’t fully trust God.  This is related to number 1.  I don’t trust God because I feel as though when I do I am headed for a huge meltdown because I take on too much.  Case in point, the spring semester.  I feel the call, I answer the call by starting my M-Div, I get burnt out because I am answering the call by taking classes for my M-Div while working full time and then subsequently beat myself about the head for not being able to hack it and sign up for two more classes in the Summer.  If you want to see how that went read this post. […]

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