Are you there? Are you listening? I am broken. I have been trying to let you fix my but I am growing more and more frustrated. Why won’t you fix me? Instead of feeling better, I feel more and more broken. On the grand scheme of things my brokenness is not as high on the list as world hunger, the AIDS epidemic, Darfur, Mynamar…the list of human suffering and injustice could go on forever. But my brokenness is hurting a lot lately. My brokenness is making it hard to see you. I feel as though there are so many things to “work on.” Like you keep pointing stuff out to me that I am…failing in. Yeah…so just add that to the list: incorrect perceptions of God. But seriously…how do I work on impatience, perfectionism, approval addition, control issues, and a myriad of other smaller things at the same time? And this whole being along thing. Are you trying to teach me something? Are you trying to help me overcome my fear of being alone? It isn’t working. I’m still terrified. How much rejection can a young girl face without being effected for life? Whatever the sujective threshold is I passed it long ago. Would you ask me to make myself vulnerable again and again and again only the be rejected? Would you have me continue to give up pieces of myself to those who don’t want me and don’t appreciate how you made me? I don’t understand what you expect of me. I don’t understand what it is you want me to do. Would you have me continue to feel isolated from everyone? Can’t you help me break this bubble I have built to protect myself? I think maybe it’s keeping you out too. Please come inside. Help me let you. Help me trust you. Help me.
I am broken, God. Please fix me.
And God? If I’m standing in your way, can you please send someone into my life or use someone who is already in it that can help me see that? I think maybe I’m terrified that you will reject me like so many others have. But that just goes back to the brokenness piece.
Please fix me, God. I am broken.