Hello God…

…it’s me…Pinkhammer.

Are you there?  Are you listening?  I am broken.  I have been trying to let you fix my but I am growing more and more frustrated.  Why won’t you fix me?  Instead of feeling better, I feel more and more broken.  On the grand scheme of things my brokenness is not as high on the list as world hunger, the AIDS epidemic, Darfur, Mynamar…the list of human suffering and injustice could go on forever.  But my brokenness is hurting a lot lately.  My brokenness is making it hard to see you.  I feel as though there are so many things to “work on.”  Like you keep pointing stuff out to me that I am…failing in.  Yeah…so just add that to the list: incorrect perceptions of God.  But seriously…how do I work on impatience, perfectionism, approval addition, control issues, and a myriad of other smaller things at the same time?  And this whole being along thing.  Are you trying to teach me something?  Are you trying to help me overcome my fear of being alone?  It isn’t working.  I’m still terrified.  How much rejection can a young girl face without being effected for life?  Whatever the sujective threshold is I passed it long ago.  Would you ask me to make myself vulnerable again and again and again only the be rejected?  Would you have me continue to give up pieces of myself to those who don’t want me and don’t appreciate how you made me?  I don’t understand what you expect of me.  I don’t understand what it is you want me to do.  Would you have me continue to feel isolated from everyone?  Can’t you help me break this bubble I have built to protect myself?  I think maybe it’s keeping you out too.  Please come inside.  Help me let you.  Help me trust you.  Help me.

I am broken, God.  Please fix me.

And God?  If I’m standing in your way, can you please send someone into my life or use someone who is already in it that can help me see that?  I think maybe I’m terrified that you will reject me like so many others have.  But that just goes back to the brokenness piece. 

Please fix me, God.  I am broken.

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4 Responses to “Hello God…”

  1. Ruth Says:

    This sounds like a hard place to be. I hope you find some wise person to help you sort it out. HungryHearts (online at the PCUSA website) has an article about the crisis of beng in seminary. I thought of you when I read it. Hang in there!

  2. pinkhammer Says:

    Thanks, Ruth. I’ll check that out. I have a few wise people who are helping me sort things out but sometimes God just brings me to the point where I have to let go of it all. I don’t do that well. I just read the book “The Shack” and it was interesting and encouraging. I would highly recommend it. Anyway, thanks (again) for being a friend. : )

  3. tenaciousweed Says:

    My very bodacious friend, I love you. Though you may not see it, you muster great courage in choosing to look directly at those broken and very tender places. Heck, you even have several different style lenses from which to choose to do the seeking from different parts of you;-) How perfect is that?

    My boat has many of the same designs as yours, and I’m throwing a biggie size portion of moral support your way! Yeah, answers may help more, but I’m wondering if maybe it’s the path where we find our answers that really forms us, you know, more than the answers themselves.

    BTW, when I pray for you, I still see you as a gemstone being polished by the Maker of crowns, who tenderly smiles as S/He brings out your luster.

  4. pinkhammer Says:

    Thanks you, my friend. I really appreciate you. My new “spec-tackles” have been helpful for sure. I am glad you and your little “mini-me” were there to help me out. : ) Thank you for the biggie sized moral support. I think you are right that it’s on the path that we find our answers which goes right along with the impatience and lack of appreciation for the process which causes me to put way too much ephasis on the end result. Thanks for loving me just right.

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