Today I feel uneasy and unsure. This may sound “bad” but I think that’s part of my problem. Is there such a thing as a “bad” feeling? Maybe there are just feelings and some of them are pleasant and some of them well, aren’t. When I was growing up, my mom used to tell my dad not to be so negative all the time. It was probably partially negativity and partially realism, but none the less, it was often perceived by my mom as pessimism. Well, I think this was indirectly ingrained in my head to the point where I started to associate anything even remotely negative as “bad.” Anyway, that’s a tangent.
Here’s another one…to admit I am feeling anything other than “good” means I am admitting weakness which means I am admitting I can’t do it on my own. Yes, this is true, but the illusion of having it all together scores major points in this world. MAJOR POINTS.
Back to feeling uneasy and unsure…these are not words I would usually choose to describe how I am feeling. So that’s part of this exercise…expanding my emotional vocabulary.
Uneasy and unsure…this is actually a step up. Yesterday morning I would have said I felt powerless and miserable. As I started writing this post, I was tempted to use McLaren’s phrase “Depressed, yet Hopeful.” Since I am trying to expand my emotional vocab, I am trying to be original. Anyway, the phrase is still very descriptive of how I feel. I am uneasy and unsure, yet I have a more positive outlook than “powerless” and “miserable” did. I am uneasy and unsure about the path to wholeness in this area, but I am hopeful that I am on the path to wholeness and that is comforting. I am uneasy and unsure about how my emotional handicap will effect my interactions with people now that I am not trying to cover it up (as much). But even in this, I am better than where I was yesterday and that is a reason to celebrate. Yesterday the though of going in front of the CPM was…crippling. I kept thinking about not being sure what the heck I wold tell them. I felt so….powerless and miserable. But today, today I am uneasy and unsure and I am thinking a little bit more clearly.
I’m still not sure I am doing a good job describing how I feel…I think that’s because I am not understanding how I feel…
I guess I feel as though I am…not allowed to feel uneasy and unsure. I guess I feel as though I should always have the answer…it’s fuzzy…but that’s probably because I am trying to understand why again….
I feel uneasy and unsure…I feel my limitations…I feel human.
Photo by: Esparta