My friends A & T are currently on a wild trip that took them across the US and then off to Thailand. They have kept a blog while away and I have really enjoyed reading it. It has made me feel connected to them even while they are far away. They are an amazing couple really. They are very in love, very committed to each other, and yet are able to be their singuar selves with people. I as a single person appreciate that. It’s pretty annoying to talk with couples that are never themselves but always the couple. Kinda hard to explain.
Anyway, their last post was about commitment. It was really neat to read what they are learning about themselves. It also made me realize that I have a desire for commitment that I feel is largely unmet. So reading this post, last night and again this morning, has made me a bit sad. Since that is a general feeling word, I will try to be more specific. It intensifies my loneliness. It makes me feel somewhat desperate. And I feel as though I am mourning for that which I do not have and slowly starting to believe more and more that I never will. And just to clarify, while a “romantic” relationship is part of this, it is not only that.
Past 5 or 6 years old, I haven’t had a best friend that’s been in my life very consistently. A bosom buddy. Someone to be attached at the hip with. Someone that you call all the time and talk with all the time. Someone that can finish your sentences. Someone that knows what makes you tick. Someone that will hold you when you cry and make you laugh uncontrollably. Someone who is comfortable with you no matter what that might mean at any given moment. Someone who is committed to you and will stick by you and pursue you no matter what. I have had a couple people in my life who have been this to me to a certain degree but it seems as though it was shortlived. Middle School-Best Friend moved away and isn’t that great about long distance communication. College-Best Friend got married and pregnant before we graduated college so she was slightly distracted.
Don’t get me wrong. I have folks who are commited to me but only to a certain degree. For instance, biweekly mentoring meetings or occasional phone calls. I’m not ungrateful. Some people are giving me all they can and that’s okay. Others aren’t and that’s okay too. Maybe the philosopher Jagger might be onto something when he said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.” But honestly, I’m not so sure I’m getting even that.