Struggling

So I’m really struggling with something(s).  Tonight in my small group we got into a discussion about egalitarianism vs. complimentarianism.  Let me say outright that my struggle is not with where I stand on that issue.  Though I hold the idea (or try to) with humility, I believe when Christ died on the cross and rose again, He redeemed much more than just the ability for humans to have a personal relationship with God.  I believe he redeemed our ability to have relationships with each other that are based on mutuality and equality.  I believe both the husband and wife are equally responsible before God for leading their family together as God would have them lead.  I think this looks different for every couple out there because everyone is different.  We all have different strengths and weaknesses as well as different talents and spiritual gifts.  My struggle is (once again) how God made me.  To be clear, since I have spoken about inadequacies quite a bit in past posts, my struggle this evening is not with inadequacy.  My struggle is trying to figure out in what ways are my actions a result of my God given giftings, talents and personality and in what ways are they a result of the fact that I am a imperfect person living in an imperfect world living an imperfect life.  It seems as though the times I feel most “myself” and feel most comfortable in who I feel God has made me to be are also the times where I get myself in the most trouble.  My desire to discuss and debate is interpreted as argumentative attacks.  In a certain sense, I feel my struggle is with adequacy.  I speak with authority to a certain extent because I naurally do so.  It is also a factor that for this topic in particular, it is so common for people to read the “traditional” things they have been taught about gender roles into the text instead of bringing the text to our understanding of gender roles.  We have it bass ackwards on a grand scale and we just keep feeding that cycle.  It is “conversations” like these that make me want to just shut up and not say anything.  And yet God calls me to speak.  Am I blameless in the way I go about doing that?  Absolutely not.  And I am sure that is part of what this is about.  And it is also very much related to the fact that I bore the burden of tradition based hierarchy for over a decade and it sucked.  I am just rambling now and my thoughts are becoming less and less coherent so I will end. 

Good grief I so just want to understand who the heck God made me to be and be able to walk in that in confidence that isn’t cocky or prideful.  I don’t feel I am these things, but there is obviously something going on here that I am too blind to see or too stubborn to acknowledge.

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2 Responses to “Struggling”

  1. Ruth Says:

    I think that what you’re struggling with is just very difficult to see clearly. This is where you need someone who can be a mirror to you — to ask them — am I being argumentative or just stating my opinion clearly and some people don’t like it? Personally, I find there are some topics that I just don’t want to engage and this is one of them. These conversations usually feel like an endless loop, so I never engage them in a group setting. A small group conversation on this would be very difficult, and I would wonder: what is the point? Was the atmosphere one of openness?

  2. pinkhammer Says:

    Yeah…I definitely see what you’re saying about not discussing this topic in a group setting. The feedback I have gotten has been appreciation for my thoughts and ideas and a general response of appreciating the dicussion. So that’s good. So far as openness, half the folks were pretty set in their thoughts and the other half seemed to have leanings one way or the other.

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